Broke

I'm so fucking broken
I can't explain what's wrong with me
I only know it hurts so much inside.
I don't know how to heal
I don't know if I have the strength to do it
I need help, yes, I do.

I cry when I can't hold it in
My hands shake and today I know, I've been holding back
If I open my mouth, I'll explode,
Damn it! How I wish I could explode.
Rottenness inside me
That comes out from time to time,
Like flowers bloom in spring
That's how hate blooms in my heart.

I'm fucking broken
And I don't know how to fix myself
I see God in the sky, far from me
Like my father when he left me
Like my mother when she ran away
I don't want to see them, and yes,
Many times I wish I never knew them.

I don't feel safe,
I don't think I have anyone to go to
Everyone wants to scold me, judge me or advise me
But no one just wants to listen
I'm afraid that if they hear me, they'll also want to leave me
Because, let me tell you,
I've been broken for years and
I'm not a pleasant place to go to.

I'm fucking broken
I don't know how I destroyed myself
What have I done to myself?
What have they done to me?
I don't know how I got here.

I cause a lot of harm
And I'm easy to hurt.
I don't remember what love feels like
That love that casts out all fear
Where are you? Oh my beloved?
Why are you moving away from me?
Why did I move away from you?

Why am I so bad at loving?
Few things I’m as sure of
As I am of being afraid to be loved
Coward!

I wish God were here
I'm sorry, even though I’ve read about you on paper
And I've heard stories about you
The truth is I've missed you since the day I met you
Damn it! I need you here!

The voices won't shut up
And there's more and more noise in my head
Anger takes over my heart
Frustration.
I find myself again in the pit I never seem to get out of.

My first instinct is to run to You
The second is to hurt myself, leave a scar
But something happens, and I just try to go to you
Tears fall to the floor again
Again I'm on the ground.
The pain fades with each tear that leaves me

I scream “Take what's left of me”
As my heart falls piece by piece
I have nowhere left to run.
My room is empty, no one is here
Something changes in the air,
There's anger and frustration, curses and blame
Pain and loss inside me.

I breathe again, the storm calms within me
Did I let go of the pain? Or did the pain let go of me?
I don't feel anger, but a strange emptiness.
My eyes burn from crying so much
My eyelids, exhausted from squeezing shut, try to close
I'm still on the floor. I breathe.

I don't know what will happen
I don't really understand what just did
I don't know if it's real or if it will remain
The evil in me has not gone
But I feel like a layer has covered it
Like a rug that hides trash underneath
But this covering doesn't hide the filth
It cleans it.

God, is that you?
Did you come down from heaven to see me cry?

I'm fucking broken
That can’t be denied.
But I think you've answered my cry
That came out through tears and sobs
And even though I am unworthy
You came to help me.

I've ruined myself, I've been ruined
But you came to my ruins
To help lift the pieces with me
You don't leave me alone in the task of healing
You pick up with care every block, piece, thought and dilemma
And you put them in their place
What doesn’t build me up, You take away.

I didn’t prepare the environment
You heard someone calling you,
You heard me calling you
And decided to come.
I have nothing good or worthy to offer
Only the ruins that remain of me
If that’s enough, take them all.

God,
Thank you for coming.